Retreat and Advance

The day has come for me to begin to write again. Oh, how I loved to write in the past; I loved recording our days, using this space as a journal to record the beauty of our days. It helped me to see the beauty, to know it and remember it, and still to see it when I look backward. But because of the restrictive environment I was living under in our ministry life, it became an uphill emotional battle to sit and make public the thoughts of my heart and I reached a point where I no longer felt up to the task, but to write dishonestly was worse than not writing at all.  Being in a community where information could be a weapon to be wielded against me or my loved ones, to be fodder for judgment and criticism, it became difficult to share information and meditations of my inmost thoughts.

 

We have, through dramatic and unlooked for means, been removed and freed from this oppressive situation, one we didn't fully or consciously recognize until we were out of it. I don't really feel ready to divulge many more details for the public eye although if you are reading this and want to ask me personally what has gone on in my life, I am comfortable talking about it. However, I have, for too long now, yearned to write again, to share my life and let myself feel I have something worthwhile to offer the world still. 

Life is messy, isn't it? Hard. Sweaty. Baffling. Painful. Lonely.

But it's also beautiful. Breathtaking. Surprising. Friendly. Worthy of dancing and singing over. 

It's not like this year has been easy for anyone, with COVID devastating so many, and political strife and polarization breaking into even families and churches. It's been an especially difficult year for everyone for a myriad of reasons, and our family is no exception.  

We lost friendships, our ministry, many dreams, and pieces of our identity. We weren't really looking to lose those things or even move on from any of them, but the Lord, in His mercy, knew what was best for us, even if the road to it was rocky. Jesse now happily works in our same community, developing after-school technology and discipleship programs for the ministry Swan Vocational Enterprises, a vocational training ministry/economic development organization, which separated from Sacred Road Ministries early last year. We are so blessed to have had a soft place to land gently with such kind friends when the rug was suddenly pulled out from under our feet, when we were left reeling and surprised at what we were learning about our past and present. I am still walking through a great deal of anxiety and depression related to past events in our life, but am thankful for a great counselor and many beloved friends who have surrounded me, prayed for me, and cared for me tenderly in my sorrow and wounding. When I feel things are dark, the Lord continually encircles me with Himself and His children who have been inordinately kind to me. 

We felt it was necessary to have a quiet retreat as a family after such a hard year, and slipped away to the Oregon Coast last week. There were ups and downs as every family vacation holds - family irritations, a broken tooth to stress over (mine), money worries (when will I learn to trust the God of abundance?), but it was, at the same time, restful. Peaceful. A retreat. Our souls are weary, our troubles threaten to overwhelm us, yet He is faithful, a very present help in trouble. We are not overcome, we are not drowned. He has set our feet in a large room, He has drawn the lines for us in pleasant places and ultimately always has. I am a witness to that, even as I struggle to believe it. It is a fight worth fighting. 

I am so happy to be writing, to feel the freedom to write unrestricted. It is a like a piece of myself I lost that I am digging around again to uncover. I can't even explain what it feels like to write. It sparks a jolt of joy.