Saturday, January 22, 2011

My psalm

As a missionary, I think it's pretty common to feel a tension between how to be honest and how to appear positive to those supporting you. It's a tension I have been acutely aware of for a couple years now as we seek supporters, although I don't think I've ever really written about it.
On the one hand, it's important to be joyful and excited about the ministry God is calling you to, but on another hand, it's also important when you're feeling down or anxious or downright lost to be willing to admit it, at least to those close to you, if not to everyone.

Lost describes me today. This month has been a hard one and my energy and hope feels washed away today - even though yesterday I felt generally happy, pleased, and expectant. It is truly amazing how one day I can feel so joyful and encouraged and full of hope, and the next feel total despair, lack of faith, and fear, and then the next be back to hopeful joy. I hate to admit even to myself, but I often feel like a "wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind..." "a double-minded woman..." (James 1). I feel like there are two "me's" and they are both equally me; the coward who wavers in her faith and the strong woman facing the future with laughter and trust. Circumstances don't even always determine which one I am each day; some days I face really difficult things with peace and some days the tiniest glitch throws me into a tizzy. I really dislike this about myself and recognize that it's not good. Even though both "me's" are equally part of me right now, there is definitely a right one and a wrong one.

This is, I suppose, the meaning of sanctification, the act of daily dying to yourself and living in the new creation of Christ.

But I am weary and heavy-laden today, one moment seeking refuge in my Strong Tower, and one moment struggling under my self-made burden. To my shame, I willfully grab my burden back because I am fighting God and His promise of goodness for me and my family. This is one of those days that His promises don't feel so sure to me, although the other "me" cries loudly from the back of my mind that these are the moments to trust Him all the more.

Oh Lord, save me from my rebellious heart and help me to count your promises as true and to rest in them today.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God. -- Psalm 42:11

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1 comment:

  1. It's amazing what a nap can do for you. I slept for an hour and a half during Lyddie's nap today and am a new woman. I'll have to remember that solution. Sleep=refreshment of body and soul.