The other day I was spending time reading my Bible and praying. It was midmorning, before the sun got really hot and the girls were playing quietly in their quiet times. I wrote in my journal, "Lord, I just don't even sense your presence or love to me. I know you love me and I trust your promises but I am parched." It had been so long since I really felt a personal love from Him.
As a mom to littles living on the mission field, there are so many lies I hear whispered in my ear all day long.
You are alone.
You are worthless.
Your contribution to the work of the Kingdom is meaningless.
The darkness surrounding you is too deep.
You are a coward.
You will never acclimate to the new culture you live and minister in.
You don't have a part in ministering to the beautiful children in the community.
You are separate and nothing. Worthless. Failure.
Lies. Lies. Lies.
There I sat midmorning, trying to immerse my mind and heart in Scripture and God's promises and wrestling with these lies.
And suddenly it was as if Someone reached into my mind and flipped a switch in direct answer to my prayer.
I had a sudden vision of a hand reaching down in a vineyard and tenderly, so very tenderly, lifting a branch from the dust and gently raising it up to the warm sunlight. I knew I was the branch and the tenderness of the Hand was the Spirit comforting me with His love.
My spirit leapt in response and my breath caught in my chest as I pressed my hand over my lips in awe. His love flooded over me and I knew that I was secure in the love of the most trustworthy One there is, One who listened to my cry and immediately came bounding to me.
No longer was I a shamefaced failure hiding behind a tree in the Garden but now I remembered that I am a Daughter before her Father.
"Bold I approach the eternal throne and claim the crown of Christ my own. Amazing love! How can it be that Thou my God didst die for me?"