Tend Your Own Garden

 

Today I did something important

I weeded my garden.

In past years this would not have been a significant statement. But this year has not been like other years. 

For many reasons I have been unable to make myself spend time outdoors at our home. This is tragic since one of the reasons we bought this home and have considered it a dream home has been because of the outdoor property that came with it. 

In the springtime I was feeling overwhelmed and somewhat depressed; after some loved ones moved very far away, there was strain and sadness for all of us, and in some ways I was not doing very well; but it in other ways I was doing very well. Isn’t that a funny thing? I could be both doing poorly and wonderfully at the same time? We are complex beings.

I felt a little nudge from the Lord to let my garden have a little rest this year and just allow Him to care for it, and for me. I sort of tried to ignore this voice because my garden has always been a restful and happy place for me to spend time. I have a large vegetable garden, and three large square beds, along with some flowerbeds along our buildings. So I went ahead and put in some tomatoes and cucumbers, but the kale that had overwintered came back very healthily, and I realized that the cabbage stems I hadn’t pulled in the fall began to grow new leaves; since I was sensing the direction to just wait on the Lord, I decided to let those grow. The same thing happened with the onions I hadn’t gotten to pull up in the previous fall.  I did plant some lettuces, basil, cucumber, peas and beans. Millie planted some cosmos and I put in a couple of sunflowers from seeds I had saved. Things started to come up; a large portion of the garden remained untouched and weedy but I was running out of time and energy to do more so I let it go.

We live in a high desert with irrigation, so you can imagine water is very important. In very early July, we lost access to the water we have always used for the yard and pasture; we have 2.5 acres and much of that is grass, so we had a little worry since it was the middle of a very hot heat wave but this happens most years and usually the water is turned back on for us within 10 days. This time, though, weeks went by, no water, three weeks, four, and more. Without going into great detail, some choices other people made deprived us of the water we counted on to sustain our cow on pasture and keep our grass from dying. Inquiring into the matter did not bring a resolution and it was pretty much out of our hands for the time being. This was a deep blow and I no longer had much joy spending time outside. Our well can basically run one sprinkler at a time, so we were using one sprinkler for the garden and the rest of the property. Basically I gave up. My heart was very sad. Friends shared their bounty with us and I was both thankful and grieved that I wasn’t in a place to share as well. My garden continued to grow- a lot of weeds, but some good things as well, but the harvest was very slim.

I went outside to the garden today to clean up the bed that I have been trying to make into a perennial cutting garden; I dug my hands into the soil, I pulled and yanked patches of the never-failing weedy grass and shoved my trowel under roots and stems. My nail beds dried out because I have no idea where my garden gloves even are at this point. My hands got crusted with dirt and my knees too. 

As I worked on my hands and knees, my mind, for the first time in months, was silent. Thoughts did not rush at me, through me, attacking my peace. I could actually think a thought, and be still. It is hard to describe exactly, but it was possible to pray in the stillness and meditate. 

And I realized something. 

Gardening is a non-negotiable for me. 

One reason I must spend time in my garden is because I can be still and listen. And I heard a tiny whisper: Tend your own garden. 

Although I don’t yet know exactly all the ways to respond, I do know right now it means I need to maintain focus in caring for the things of beauty that I am directly responsible for. From my little family, to our land, our food, our budget, to my own soul, I must not neglect the place where the lines have fallen for me. Nor may I always be looking longingly into someone else’s garden, but quietly get down to business in my own. 

Each day begins anew with that work. May the Lord grant me His strength to do it.

Retreat and Advance

The day has come for me to begin to write again. Oh, how I loved to write in the past; I loved recording our days, using this space as a journal to record the beauty of our days. It helped me to see the beauty, to know it and remember it, and still to see it when I look backward. But because of the restrictive environment I was living under in our ministry life, it became an uphill emotional battle to sit and make public the thoughts of my heart and I reached a point where I no longer felt up to the task, but to write dishonestly was worse than not writing at all.  Being in a community where information could be a weapon to be wielded against me or my loved ones, to be fodder for judgment and criticism, it became difficult to share information and meditations of my inmost thoughts.

 

We have, through dramatic and unlooked for means, been removed and freed from this oppressive situation, one we didn't fully or consciously recognize until we were out of it. I don't really feel ready to divulge many more details for the public eye although if you are reading this and want to ask me personally what has gone on in my life, I am comfortable talking about it. However, I have, for too long now, yearned to write again, to share my life and let myself feel I have something worthwhile to offer the world still. 

Life is messy, isn't it? Hard. Sweaty. Baffling. Painful. Lonely.

But it's also beautiful. Breathtaking. Surprising. Friendly. Worthy of dancing and singing over. 

It's not like this year has been easy for anyone, with COVID devastating so many, and political strife and polarization breaking into even families and churches. It's been an especially difficult year for everyone for a myriad of reasons, and our family is no exception.  

We lost friendships, our ministry, many dreams, and pieces of our identity. We weren't really looking to lose those things or even move on from any of them, but the Lord, in His mercy, knew what was best for us, even if the road to it was rocky. Jesse now happily works in our same community, developing after-school technology and discipleship programs for the ministry Swan Vocational Enterprises, a vocational training ministry/economic development organization, which separated from Sacred Road Ministries early last year. We are so blessed to have had a soft place to land gently with such kind friends when the rug was suddenly pulled out from under our feet, when we were left reeling and surprised at what we were learning about our past and present. I am still walking through a great deal of anxiety and depression related to past events in our life, but am thankful for a great counselor and many beloved friends who have surrounded me, prayed for me, and cared for me tenderly in my sorrow and wounding. When I feel things are dark, the Lord continually encircles me with Himself and His children who have been inordinately kind to me. 

We felt it was necessary to have a quiet retreat as a family after such a hard year, and slipped away to the Oregon Coast last week. There were ups and downs as every family vacation holds - family irritations, a broken tooth to stress over (mine), money worries (when will I learn to trust the God of abundance?), but it was, at the same time, restful. Peaceful. A retreat. Our souls are weary, our troubles threaten to overwhelm us, yet He is faithful, a very present help in trouble. We are not overcome, we are not drowned. He has set our feet in a large room, He has drawn the lines for us in pleasant places and ultimately always has. I am a witness to that, even as I struggle to believe it. It is a fight worth fighting. 

I am so happy to be writing, to feel the freedom to write unrestricted. It is a like a piece of myself I lost that I am digging around again to uncover. I can't even explain what it feels like to write. It sparks a jolt of joy.

Watching for Beauty

It is surprising how quickly so much can change.  But even when everything is topsy-turvy, a great deal remains the same. The sun still rises.  The night comes faithfully.  People still must be fed, hugged, read to.  

I don't have any unique words of encouragement.  I am, like you, watching the unfolding of worldwide pandemic with confusion, sorrow, and a measure of anxiety.  But I can focus on the beauty around me, on the things that build up rather than tear down. I choose today to see the good here and not just the scary and unclear. I choose today to trust that God has not forgotten us.  I choose today to thank Him for being with us, for being The God Who Sees - and not just Sees, but Loves. 

We continue to do school when so much else has quieted. We keep reading beautiful books together: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; Little Women; A Wonder Book of Greek mythology. We make brownies together, play Chinese Checkers, watch a movie, drink coffee, knit, draw in our sketchbooks.  Maybe these things will become part of what we remember.  Maybe with practice we can remember to watch for beauty and be filled with joy yet even when the trumpet of doom sounds loudly all around us. 

summer evening

Just a quiet summer evening walk.  We finished up the dishes and headed out the door and saw our friend and neighbor out with his boy ahead of us walking so we just joined right in and wandered the country paths around the pond and back again.  When we got back, Jesse read a chapter of Swallowdale by Arthur Ransome (the sequel to Swallows and Amazons - a big favorite this past year) and everyone crashed into bed after a long day.  I like this kind of summer evening. 

summer ballet

Although we do NOT school year round, we continued on with ballet class through the summer because it is such a beloved part of each week.  The girls' ballet teacher, Miss Lisa, is amazing and I have seen all three of my daughters grow so much this summer in their dancing ability, but also in their perseverance and confidence.  I reminded Millie the other day of how far she has come even though she had to miss several months of lessons this fall when she broke her ankle!  Now that feels like a faraway bad dream when she arabesques beautifully across the room, turns, and, running, ends with a grand jete leap to the corner.  
All three girls auditioned this week for a part in the Moscow Ballet Nutcracker that will be here in town one night in November.  All three were cast! Rosie and Millie will dance as Snowflakes and Lyddie will dance as one of the children at the party.  To say they are excited is an understatement.  I am so proud of them and their courage to audition and we are all eagerly anticipating the fun of them being up on a big stage in front of a huge audience and dancing with real grown up ballerinas from Moscow!